I am usually a happy person. I am easily pleased; it’s hard to get my goat. I have everything a person needs to be happy. And more. I am filled with the Holy Spirit.
Considering that things are mostly peaceful in my life right now, imagine my confusion when I almost fell off an emotional cliff last week. My baby fell and chipped off a piece of his front tooth, and I was overwhelmed with anguish. I knew it will be a daily reminder to me that I was unable to keep him from the fall. A mark of my failure as a mother.
After the initial meltdown, mine not his, I tried to find the greater truth in the situation. For crying out loud, which I did, long and loud, it is just a tooth. It will be replaced. It’s not terminal. So why the over reaction? As I prayed over it and let the Holy Spirit breathe through me this week, I realize that I am grieving many things, the tooth just chipped off the cover they’d been hiding under.
I am grieving the loss of my parent’s marriage. I am grieving the loss of a father to bi-polar condition. I am grieving the childhood loss of innocence at the hand of a trusted family friend. I am grieving that someone I love has been deceived and wronged. I am grieving physical losses. I am grieving the loss of some of my dreams that are never going to be realized, sacrificed on the alter of better things. Not because I am a whiney baby. Because I am human. Because I am trapped in a prison of blood, bone and chemicals.
And in pouring out my heart, to the Father, I am being washed. The unspeakable anguish is translated perfectly in my tears. Tears, the messengers of pain, loss, love, sorrow, grief, joy, anguish, repentance & forgiveness. They well up in the heart, wash up through the soul, spill out over the eyelids, and cascade down the cheeks. Liquid words. Gifts of my Heavenly Father, who knew I would need them.
They wash away the grime, for a little while. Leaving me cleansed. Leaving me sparkling again, these healing, cleansing rivers of tears. Never miss an opportunity to wash your soul with tears.