MainOrArchivePage>

The Write Word

It's in the genes

I do so admire graceful people. Those who seem to float and glide through their everyday lives with nimble agility. I have been a lifelong clutz. Bumbling and stumbling my way through, catching my toe on every minute crack and crevice.

I have in my meager 39 years managed to fall out of trees, off fences, into holes and onto the pavement more times than I can count. I have skied into a tree, got caught in a drainage canal 7 ft below the surface (in a hurricane no less), caught the curtains on fire (romantic candles too near the wall), caught an oven on fire, sewed through my finger with my sewing machine, demolished a shed with my car and lets just pull the curtain of mercy over the numerous and sundry other near disasters I’ve endured and caused. Some were freak accidents of nature. Others were my disaster gene at work.

Surviving this unfortunate gene in one lifetime would, you would think, be enough grief for a body. But no. It seems my own darling Reagan is the unfortunate recipient of the clutz-danger-ditz gene. So now I get to live this not only ONCE, through my own harrowing experiences, but TWICE, through hers.

Here are just a few of the thrilling and delightful things I have learned from Miss. Reagan.
# 1 Cutting the bubble gum out of your hair will NOT keep you from getting a spanking for having the gum in the first place. YUP she did IN FACT whack off about 7 inches trying to HIDE the fact that she had gotten FIVE pieces of gum stuck in her hair. Age 4
# 2 You can rot a hole all the way through the floor of a second story room by dripping water every day in the same spot. Age 3
# 3 Duct taping a cats eyes shut WILL cause them to wander around like a drunken sailor. Neighbor girl co-experiment. Age 3
# 4 Ice in your panties will cool you RIGHT OFF AND FAST. Dripping panties is a small price to pay for being properly cooled. Age 5
#5 Cutting your fingernails with a butcher knife is not a good idea. Age 3
#6 Permanent markers will leave permanent paper doll tracings on your kitchen floor. Age 5
#7 Painting happy faces on your bedroom furniture will NOT make anyone happy. Age 5
#8 Preparation H does not make good toothpaste. Age 7
#9 If you stack your books up high enough you can jump OVER the motion detector installed in your bedroom door. She discovered that at age 2.
#10 The 911 operators do not consider “I cant find the prince that goes with Barbie... I think he's been kidnapped” a valid emergency. age 4
#11 The Aurora fire department does not think “I'm so mad at my mom my face feels like its on fire” a valid reason for calling THEM OUT. age 4
#12 Hiding moms purse in the oven can keep you from having to attend Dr.'s appointments. Age 3
#13 Hiding rubber roaches behind the toilets and under the sinks will deter potential house buyers from “Making you move out of your room” age 4
And last but NOT LEAST
#14 Throwing your entire Barbie collection, Polly Pocket collection and your brothers army men into the church baptistery (because they are SINNERS) is not good for the filter. Age 6

And with each and every new adventure-disaster I encounter with her I have to remind myself.... it is probably NOT her fault that she stumbles onto and into these situations. It's in her genes.
rachelcoltharp.com